Signed and Sealed... Forever

If I get myself in a confrontation with a colleague, I find myself managing the conversation rather than thinking and saying what will help me explain myself. I am agreeable or complacent in order to get myself out of the uncomfortable situation, or defensive and emotional about the situation. When I am alone and thinking about what just happened, I realize that I had a whole slew of things to say then, and even more things to say now. Most of this is the emotional reaction I am having to the confrontation, and not really how I want to handle it, but these feelings tend to bubble up and explode if I am not careful.

My solution? Write a letter. Write the letter using the words you want to use, the tone you want to use, and let your emotions come out on paper. This is the best way to get your words and frustration out before you explode and damage your own reputation.

Never send the letter. You can go as far as hand-writing it and putting a stamp on it, or typing up the email, but never ever send this letter! Your emotions have gotten the best of you at this point and you should never approach your colleagues with your emotion in the forefront. Instead, write the email with no address in the header, and then leave it in your draft folder. Or write the letter, fold it and put it in the envelope with no address on the outside. Do whatever you need to get the words out, but do not send the letter.

Go back and re-read your thoughts. After some time - a few days or a few hours - go back and take a look at your letter. I guarantee that you will not feel as upset now as you did at that moment. The exercise worked! You had the opportunity to say all of the things that you needed to say, but did not cause further conflict or damage to your career because you were able to control your emotions and keep them to yourself.

This is an excellent exercise and will help you to maneuver through the roller-coaster relationships in the office. Keep in mind that you spend at least 1/3 of your life with your co-workers, so you have to learn to play nice together in the sandbox. The best way that you can control your reactions is to let them out privately, and then take a step away and consider the root of your reaction. You will find that you can identify what truly upset you at the time, and hopefully find a way to deal with it professionally and without emotions getting in the way of what you want and need to say.

Here is an interesting tool from Life Coach Maia if you need help getting your words on paper: All About Life Coaching

| Photo Credit: National Archives |

Straight from the Horse's Email...

I always say that it is better to speak to someone directly when having a communication issue rather than emailing or writing a note. Emails have a tendency to remove all intention, which opens the door for the reader to interpret whatever emotion or meaning they think comes through the email. It can make for very lengthy email volleys, resulting in a massive miscommunication, bruised egos and hurt feelings.

However, there are some instances where addressing an issue via email is more effective than an in-person confrontation. This depends upon the situation and the recipient of your address, but can provide a buffer of time and space to allow the recipient time to react and think about the issue. I recently experienced an instance when I received an explosive emotional reaction in person, when I expected a very dry, indifferent response. In retrospect, I would have preferred to document the situation in an email, and allow the recipient time to process my concerns. Instead, my words came across as an attack, forcing her to defend and react, rather than consider the situation in full and respond.

It is tough to judge when it is appropriate to resolve conflicts face-to-face or through written correspondence. Take into consideration the issue at hand, and how it will affect the other party's ability to carry on. If it is a small issue of little consequence, but one that needs to be addressed, perhaps it is better to mention in an email. My example above is case in point. If, however, the issue is ongoing or one that may have great consequence for either of you, you must respect the weight of the problem, get in a room, and work it out together.

This is part of management and working closely with others; you have to gauge the situation and each individual’s personality in order to effectively communicate with him or her. It takes extra effort to change your approach for each instance, but will benefit your communication in the long run.

Food for thought...

-Kate